Saturday in My City by the Bay

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'Ohana/Familia/Family

My mother-in-law and brother-in-law are visiting from Hawaii. Whenever I tell people that my husband, who has a Hawaiian name, was born and raised in Hawaii, they say, "He's Hawaiian." He is not Hawaiian, which refers to the indigenous Polynesian people of the Hawaiian Islands, but he is from Hawaii. I tell you this not because it's important, but so you don't think he's Hawaiian and later in some other post if I mention he's half black and half white you don't go, "but I thought he was Hawaiian." This happens a lot.

Anyway, I digress, we have family, 'ohana, visiting from Hawaii. I love that I just wrote "we have family" and not "he has family" visiting. We have been together for eight years and this is only the second time I've seen his mother. I've never been to Hawaii and she's only visited us once before. She didn't even come for our wedding; it took us having a child for her to come again.

We have no family here other than us. It's always just Put Pie, daddy, and me. This month we've been fortunate to have family from both sides come to spend time with Put Pie. Can I tell you how wonderful it is to see my daughter being held in the loving arms of our extended family?

I grew up in a huge family. My mother has 12 brothers and sisters. I was surrounded by more tios, tias, primos, and primas than I could count. Sadly, my daughter will not have the same experience.

When I became old enough to move, I moved. I needed space. I was sick of familia always being there; they crowded me. There was no room for "Me". I couldn't get away from them fast enough. No matter how distant I was in space and in thought; they'd find me, bring me back, and remind me I was one of them.

My wish for my daughter is that she gets a chance to be sick of her family too.

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I Love My A**

I have issues with my body, specifically with my weight. Boring, right? Everybody has issues with their weight. I know. I hate being so predictable. I don't like to talk about it; it makes for boring conversation.

I'll tell you what I don't have issues with no matter what my weight is: my ass. It's true, I love my ass. I love it when I'm thin and I love it when I'm heavy. I'm not bragging or trying to say that my ass is better than anyone else's; it's just the one part of my body that's "a'ight".

When I find myself in situations where I feel less than (this happens a lot because I'm an actor), I sing myself a little song by the artist currently known as Prince that makes me feel "a'ight". It goes like this:

"Sexy motherfucker shakin' that ass,
shaking that ass.
You sexy motherfucker."

And if there is no one around, you better believe I stand up and start shakin' my ass. It's such a happy joy-infused anthem that makes me feel confident and powerful.

Oh and if I need a little extra boost, I shake my tush to the classic "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot.

"I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung"

Crass, but music to my ears.


Thank you to the lovely Mama Kat for her writing assignment this week. This post was inspired by prompt #1 (What is your life's anthem?) and prompt #3 (How much does focusing on weight affect your daily life?)

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This Will Not Stand!

Right after I posted Hope, I found out that the California Supreme Court upheld the state's gay-marriage ban. Just when I was feeling hopeful. Ugh. One step forward, two steps back.

I believe in justice for all, not justice for some of us. No more second-class citizens!

It was not until 1948 that the California Supreme Court overturned the ban on interracial marriage. 1948! And the U.S. Supreme Court did not overturn the laws prohibiting interracial marriage until 1967. 1967!

Justice is lagging! It's too slow.

Discrimination is wrong; it was wrong then and it's wrong now.

Have we learned nothing from history? Seperate is not equal. Words are important. A civil union is not marriage, if it was it would be called Marriage.

If my daughter is gay, I want her to have the right to marry! If my daughter is not gay, I want her to respect the rights of her gay brothers and sisters.

This will not stand! One day soon, people will be ashamed to have stood for discrimination, for denying law abiding citizens rights.

I would like to thank Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, and Maine for having the decency to recognize that gay people have the right to marry.

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Hope

Choosing to bring a child into this world was a terrifying prospect for me. When I found out that child would be female, I started crying. Why? Because I know how hard it is to be a female and a minority. If my child was born male, he would still be a minority, but he would grow up with the privileges that come with being male and that would be one less thing for a mother to worry about.

Yes, I believe in equality. Yes, I believe we are headed there. No, I do not think we are there.

I am blessed to have been born in this country and I am grateful for all the opportunities it has afforded me and for all the rights and privileges I can take for granted. But, I am painfully aware that we do not all receive "equal justice." I don't think equality will ever be achieved until we are all "equally" represented.

I was exposed to the melting-pot theory in elementary school, but it never felt right. The salad bowl theory is much more to my liking. I think instead of trying to become a homogeneous society, we should embrace our differences, celebrate them even.

Diversity is a good thing. How could it be anything but good? How can it hurt? I live in a very culturally diverse city that is only 7x7 miles and it's wonderful because people of different cultures, ages, and socioeconomic backgrounds have to co-mingle and we're better for it.

Well, my daughter was born into this imperfect world and I'm not feeling so scared anymore. Some wonderful things have happened that make me feel so incredibly hopeful for the future, for her future: a female candidate was a viable option for the presidency; the first African-American President was elected; and today Sonia Sotomayor is the first Latina to be nominated to the Supreme Court. In the words of Bob Dylan, "the times they are a changing."

I'm thrilled I had a daughter because my husband and I truly believe that females are awesome. If you want to change the world, empower women!

My friend Maureen reminded me of the quote, "If you educate a man, you educate an individual. If you educate a woman, you educate a nation."

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This is Dedicated...

I would like to dedicate this post to a friend who is having a very difficult pregnancy. She has experienced challenges every step of the way.

Pregnancy is idealized; nobody really wants to hear that it is anything less than wonderful. If your pregnancy is fraught with hardships, it's easy to feel robbed. Not only do you worry about health issues, you mourn the loss of a "normal" pregnancy.

I am not a religious person, but I do believe in the strength of prayer, thought, or whatever you want to call it. So, I ask that as you read this you send out some positive mojo for my friend and any other pregnant women who are suffering.

Unable to find a non-denominational or all-inclusive prayer for pregnant women, I decided to close with the healing power of laughter. Sometimes, the only way to get through a trying situation is to find the humor in it. Enjoy.


"By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant."-Phyllis Diller

“Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.”- Erma Bombeck

"Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside." -Rita Rudner

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck”- George Carlin

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You Think Your Employee Sucks, My Boss Sucks Harder

Working from home should be awesome, right? Well, it would be if it wasn't for one thing: since I am an independent contractor, I can never get away from my boss-ME.

This month (which happens to be my birthday month) has been really difficult. There has been illness and family visits.

When I work outside the home, if I'm sick, I call in sick and that's that. Not so when I work from home. I try to call in sick and my boss gives me all kinds of guilt and tries to come up with helpful solutions like, "maybe you could just work from bed." Ugh!

I just wish my boss would get off my back. I am a grown woman and I realize that I will not get paid if I don't work. Sometimes, I just need a break!

For my boss' perspective click here.

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My Employee Sucks!

I've mentioned that one of my many jobs consists of working from home. When I work from home, I guess you could say that I'm my own boss. It would be great except for: MY EMPLOYEE SUCKS!

I don't ask for much as a boss. All I need is for my employee to put in 2 to 3 solid hours of work a day. I don't care when she does it. It can even be after she's put the baby to sleep. You'd think this would be a dream job for her, but you should hear the run-around I get.

To be fair, when she started this job she was fantastic, very hard working and committed. That was then, this is now. This month her performance has really gone downhill. I try to be understanding, but COME ON!

She starts off the month by calling in sick because her husband is sick and she has to take care of him and the baby. Fine. Then she couldn't work because her finger got infected and it hurt too much to type. Hhmm. It didn't seem to stop her from blogging. That was followed by an eye infection that made it hard to look at the computer screen. Poor baby, I hope reading all those magazines helped. After that, she tells me she needs some time off because her mother and brother are visiting and she never gets to spend any time with them. Okay. When they leave, she says she can't work because of an awful cold. You should have seen the look she gave me when I suggested she work from bed.

Supposedly, she is feeling better and plans on catching up. We'll see. It's like she doesn't realize that if she doesn't work, she doesn't get paid.

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10 Things I'm Sick of

Wow! It makes me feel a little guilty to make what seems like a bitch list, but seeing as this is an assignment from Mama Kat I think I'll let my inner Bitch roar.

Here's my list of 10 things I'm sick of, in no particular order:

1.

I am sick of customers who ask the same question in different ways hoping they'll get a different answer. It's one thing when you don't understand, but when you keep asking because you don't get an answer you like please keep in mind that the person you are badgering has been badgered by at least 100 other people asking the same questions and making the same dumb jokes.


Here's a sample script:

Customer: So it's not free to see the special exhibit?

Me: No.

Customer: So I have to pay?

Me: Yes.

Customer: Can I just walk through really quickly without paying?

Me: No.

Customer: Is it worth paying for?

Me: (thinking: Hey Moron, it's art. How the hell do I know if you are going to like it? I don't know you and why would you trust my opinion since you don't know me and I work here so even if I don't like it I'm going to say something diplomatic.) Well, art is subjective. Isn't that the beauty of it?

Customer: Is there any way you could let me in for free?

Me: No.

Customer: But, it's free in New York.

Me: (with a smile) Unfortunately, you are in San Francisco.

Customer: So, I have to pay?

Me: Yes.

Customer: How much is it?

Me: $10

Customer: (taking out Prada, Louis Vuitton, or any other obviously expensive wallet stuffed with money) Oooh-kay.

2.

I'm sick of going to the bathroom after men who pee on the floor and either don't notice or don't care. Is it really that hard to hit your target?

3.

I'm sick of drivers making a right turn while looking left for oncoming traffic and completely forgetting that a pedestrian might be crossing the street on their right. That's right pedestrians exist.

4.

I'm sick of insurance and credit card companies. 'Nuff said.

5.

I'm sick of turning on the TV and still in 2009 seeing mostly white faces. Even if what I'm watching takes place in the future. Really, the future is still only going to have a token black guy, a token Asian, and a "spit-fire" Latina. Honestly, all the hot young white guys start looking the same. Give me some variety!

6.

I'm sick of having issues with my weight. It doesn't matter how much I weigh, it's never the right amount.

7.

I'm sick of always waiting for something to be happy. I need to embrace happiness now.

8.

I'm sick of commercials being so much louder than programs. I get it, you want my attention. Now shut the f*** up! Mute. Are you happy now? I can't hear you at all.

9.

I'm sick of junk mail and take-out menus. Just stop! You are depleting our forests.

10.

I'm sick of incessant noise makers. You know who you are. You live upstairs from me and wear clogs on hardwood floors at midnight, or you're the jerk who keeps honking in traffic, or you like to play video games on the bus with the sound on, or you keep singing that song that's stuck in your head and now it's stuck in mine.

And Basta! I'm sick of bitching.

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Birthday Ramblings

It's my birthday! Indulge me.

After days of being sick, I woke up feeling a little better and happy to be next to my husband.

At 5 Put Pie woke up. Normally, Daddy would feed her and put her back to sleep, but I missed holding her so much that I asked for him to bring her to our bed. She was so happy to see me and even happier to lay next to me and nurse after days of being kept apart.

At 6 my brother left a message on my cellphone wishing me a Happy Birthday! I love my brother. For years because of his drug addiction our relationship was very one sided. For me to get a call on my birthday is amazing. It means he's present.

At 7 my mother left a message:
"En un dia como este, nacio una niña muy bonita que me enceño a conocer el verdadero amor. Mi hija te quiero, te adoro. Everywhere I go you are with me, everything I touch reminds me of you." For those of you who do not speak Spanish the beginning roughly translates to, "On a day like today, a beautiful girl was born who taught me the true meaning of love. My daughter, I love you, I adore you."

At 8, I turned on my computer and my inbox was full of birthday wishes.

And the whole day is still ahead of me.

A few days ago, while talking to a friend, I said that I have no problem announcing to anyone that I am poor, that there is no shame in not having money. Today I realized that I should not call myself poor. I may be "unwealthy", but I am definitely rich.

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JJ Formals

Have you seen the Saturday Night Live video for JJ Casuals? It's hilarious. Andy Samberg plays the part of mellow pop-folk singer Jack Johnson. Jack likes to keep it "super casual" so he goes barefoot most of the time, but there are some places where you can't go barefoot so he came up with JJ Casuals:

"shoes that look like feet." Funny stuff, but meant to be funny.

I've been sick at home the last few days, catching up on old magazines and I came across what can only be described as JJ Formals:

"shoes that look like feet" with a heel. I guess these are for when you want to be barefoot, but can't go "super casual". These shoes are made by Alexander McQueen and retail for $1,865. When I saw them, I started laughing, but the funniest part is that they are not meant to be a joke.

Sometimes reality is it's own parody.

Last time I checked the video for JJ Casuals wasn't available, but here's the transcript:

Jack Johnson: Hi! I'm mellow pop-folk singer Jack Johnson. I like to keep it super casual. That's why I always go barefoot. But sometimes there are places you can't go without shoes.
[ cut to Husband and Wife at restaurant ]

Husband: Table for two, please.

[ Maitre'D looks down and sees barefeet ]

Maitre'D: I'm sorry, sir...we can not serve you without shoes.

[ Husband looks at wife looking suprised ]

[ cut back to Jack Johnson ]

Jack Johnson: That's why I invented a new kind of shoe for the laid back lifestyle. [ he holds up a pair of JJ Casuals ] JJ Casuals.

[ sings ]

"Keep it casual, whatever. Keep it natural, with shoes that look like feet. Things get hectic but don't sweat it. Keep it JJ Casuals. Mmm mmm, do you like to keep it mellow? Can you dig it? Shoes that look like feet."

[ Husband and Wife go back to restaurant ]

Maitre'D: I've told you, we cannot serve you without shoes.

Wife: But he is wearing shoes.

[ Maitre'D looks down ]

Maitre'D: Oh, JJ Casuals. My apologies, sir. Right this way.

Jack Johnson V/O: [ sings ]"JJ Casuals.Shoes that look like feet."

Transcript from:http://snltranscripts.jt.org/05/05ejj.phtml

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Cheat on Your Wife

If you are reading this blog, especially if you are my Unknown Husband, please be aware that I do not endorse you cheating on your wife.

I was looking at the ads that appear on this blog and one of them reads:

Cheat on Your Wife
Search Married Personals for Women Looking to Cheat Also. Join Free!

I've since blocked the ad, but apparently it takes a few hours to take effect.

Honestly, I'm just an Unknown Mami trying to start a college fund for my daughter, not a cyber-hustler promoting extra-curricular activities.

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The Demise Continues

I mentioned earlier (Female Hysteria ) that I am falling apart. Well, the demise continues.

It started with a crazy swollen middle finger. Then an eye infection that is lingering. Now, I have some horrid cold.

I am convinced that it is my body rebelling and forcing me to take some much needed time for myself, but now I can't enjoy the time because I am too sick.

Oh well, I'm using the time to catch up on old magazines and balance my checkbook. And I'm enjoying being taken care of by a husband who is a great cook.

*********************************************************************************
Unknown Husband just made me a homemade meatball sandwich! Yum.

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Baby Besos Haiku

Sloppy wet boca*
Sweet milky breath on cheek
Dame mas, amor**

*mouth

**Give me more, love

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Temper Tantrum

Today my household fell victim to a temper tantrum. It was awful. There was screaming, crying, name calling. The worst part is that the temper tantrum was thrown by me. I just lost it and I didn't care if the whole world knew.

It's embarrassing, but true and I'll own it. I'm tired and I pitched a fit because I wanted to sleep for a few more blessed minutes and when I didn't get my way I figured "misery loves company."

Certainly, I'm not proud of how I behaved, but I now understand why children need sleep in order to thrive. Mamis need it too, but somehow when sleep deprived we are expected to act like adults and maintain.

I think I'll take my "time out" under the covers.

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Stuff

I love stuff! I always have and I always will. Minimalism does not appeal to me.

Stuff I really love includes: clothes, shoes, purses, books,magazines, furniture. Sometimes I feel like all I do is consume. There will always be something else I want or "need" to buy.

It's true that I am an avid and active consumer and I suppose that makes me materialistic, but my form of materialism is anything, but snobbish. I hate paying full price for anything and I consider wearing things with "labels" vulgar. In my opinion, if Louis Vuitton is going to put their logo all over their product then they should pay me to wear it.

The dilemma that I have with consumerism in general is how truly bad it is for the planet and all creatures that inhabit the planet. I never thought of this until I took a geology class in college and the professor said that geology was important because everything comes from the Earth. It's so simple, but until that moment it had not occurred to me that the things I buy and use are somehow manufactured at the expense of our natural world.

So how do I reconcile my love of stuff with my love of the planet and my desire to raise a conscientious child, who does not depend on "retail therapy" to feel better?

Well, one of the few benefits of growing up poor is that I was taught the value of things and that I should take care of my possessions because there was no money to replace them. I do not believe "stuff" should be disposable. I try to reuse, recycle, and reduce as much as possible.

I want my daughter to grow up knowing that her consumption has very real consequences. The saying "waste not, want not" comes to mind and now that I have a child it seems to mean more.

Check out the following video, if you haven't already. It's a bit simplistic and has an obvious slant, but I think that when my daughter, Put Pie is older it will be a good tool to explain where we get all our "stuff".

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Back to Normal

Things are back to normal. My mother, brother, and nephew have headed back to their homes. It was wonderful to spend time with them, but I have to say I'm happy to have my home back.

My family is LOUD! I mean, nothing is quiet. Even when they are shushing each other it's loud.

Put Pie had a really hard time taking naps while they were here. She's used to noise, but not the level of noise that my family is capable of making. Especially my nephew.

My nephew is turning 3 this month and he is an absolute terror. I had no idea that he is such a brat. A cute brat, but a brat nonetheless. My brother does not seem to believe in disciplining him and my husband was getting frustrated and expected me to step in, but he's my nephew not my child so I didn't feel like it was my place until he started scribbling on one of our chairs.

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Stand Up Momedy Hour

One of the things that I excel at is coming up with "great" ideas that I will never execute. I swear to you that I came up with pet health insurance before it existed. Another "great" one is retractable Christmas lights. You only have to put them up once and never take them down because they retract into strips that match the color of your house. A not so great one (I only say it's not great because whenever I bring it up my husband rolls his eyes) is my sofa gym. It's a gym in your sofa! Instead of having a hideaway bed, the sofa stores a hideaway gym. Under the cushions you find weights, a jump rope, etc. You can even pull out one part that works as a rowing machine. It's for people who live in small spaces but still want the option to work out at home.

Anyway, you get the idea. I spend far too much time on these ideas that will never be.

Well, in honor of Mother's Day I would like to share my newest, wait for it...Stand Up Momedy Hour! That's right. What prey tell is Stand Up Momedy Hour, you may be asking. It's an hour conveniently timed after naps and before bedtime for Mom's and their kids (Dad's can come too) where you can get a drink and listen to stand up comedy that has to do with being a mom. It will include some regular acts and also an open mike portion for audience participation.

This idea came to me as I was hanging out with one of my Mommy friends and she reminded me of a joke I made involving baby carrier inserts. Funny stuff, but totally wasted if not told to a Mommy crowd. Lay people would need too much explanation about Ergo's, inserts, etc.

Anyway, I'm working on the material for this act that will probably never happen, but someday in the future if you drive by a comedy club and the marquee reads, "Stand Up Momedy Hour", remember you read it here first.

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Personal Assistant

One of my many jobs is as a personal assistant to a pretty wonderful man who needs help with the mundane details of his life. Usually that means doing his grocery shopping or researching wine he wants to buy, but every once in awhile I'll be asked to do something "unique". Today, I fulfilled one of those unique requests.

He bought a fleece pullover in Utah and the theft prevention device did not get removed. Hhmmm. Youtube had a few how to videos, but none of the suggestions worked and a small hole started to develop on the garment.

Finally, I googled "remove anti theft device" and I came upon this link http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080717092219AA8Z4mm.

Well, if you ever find yourself in the same situation what worked for me was asking my husband to hammer the crap out of the device. I guess we got lucky that it wasn't the kind with ink.

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Art

Art is amazing! It has made my life so much better. Let me explain.


My younger brother is visiting with his son and my mother. My brother was the first love of my life. He has brought me so much joy and he has also brought me immeasurable pain. He is a recovering heroin addict. My brother can have long conversations with you about anything drug or prison related, but when it comes to the "arts" he doesn't have much to say.

This visit has been wonderful because my brother has been clean for some time and he is now a devoted father. I work at a museum and he asked me to take him and his son.

The exhibit we saw is "Warhol Live" http://www.warhollivesf.org/. Now you don't have to know much about art to know who Andy Warhol is, but my brother had never heard of Andy Warhol. Until today.

For us to be able to walk through a museum together and enjoy each other's company and share an experience that isn't about "our" past is amazing. We get to know each other in a different way and find out what appeals to us. I love how open minded he is about what he sees and I love to hear how he interprets what he sees.

We've had so many moments like this. I act and he started going to plays because I was in them, but now he can sit through a play without thinking it's weird or feeling uncomfortable.

One of the nicest things my brother has ever said to me is, "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have art in my life."

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P is for Put Pie

para mi hija


A is for Awesome 'cause that's what you are
B is for Besos que te voy a dar*
C is for Cheeks that I want to munch
D is for Daddy, who loves you a bunch
E is for Excited to see what roads you will take
F is for Forgive me, for mistakes I will make
G is for Growth, remember "you reap what you sow"
H is for Hija, que feliz me has hecho**
I is for Intelligence, may yours serve you well
J is for Justice, if you don't get it rebel
K is for Kindness; it will help you go far
L is for Lagrimas que no puedes escapar***
ll is for Llanto que te consolare****
M is for Milagros, en tu vida ten fe
N y ñ are for niña, la mia es mi amor*****
O is for Opportunities, may there always be more
P is for Put Pie, who brings a smile to my face
Q is for Qualities like strength and wisdom that you should embrace
R is for Rage, sometimes you will need it
S is for Stand!, for some things you can't sit
T is for Treasure Yourself and others will too
U is for Unique, "to thine own self be true"
V is Victory, enjoy every one
W is for Woman, when you become one have fun
X is Xylophone, 'cause music is always a pro
Y is for Yes! you can; it's so much better than No!
Z is for Zaniness and Zest, with both may you be blest

*Kisses that I'm going to give you
**Daughter, how happy you've made me
***tears you won't be able to escape
****Cries, which I will console
*****Little girl, mine is my love

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Female Hysteria

It's been difficult to post the last few days because I've been falling apart. Normally, I'm a pretty healthy person, but the last two weeks I just feel sick.

It started with some kind of infection in my middle finger. My co-worker suggested perhaps I had overused the finger to flip people off, but I think the problem is I haven't used the finger enough. I ended up having to have it lanced. This week I'm having issues with my left eye.

I think my body is rebelling because it's trying to force me to take some time for myself. I keep telling my husband I need a break and he just doesn't get it.

When I was pregnant I had to take Zoloft because of severe panic attacks. I had panic attacks long before pregnancy and never considered taking medicine because I had "nobler" ways of dealing. During pregnancy, I did not have the luxury of being so judgemental. I needed help and I was unbelievably grateful when I found relief.

A few weeks back, I decided that perhaps it was time to stop taking the medication. It seemed that the risk of postpartum depression had passed and I really wanted not to be medicated. Well, I think I jumped the gun. I did fine for a week or so then all these physical ailments began manifesting. I've since started back on the Zoloft.

The truth is that the medicine does not make me feel medicated; it makes me feel like "me" and right now when I'm not on it, I feel out of sorts. Someday I will be able to do without, but for now I am so blessed to live in an era where my concerns are taken seriously and not just dismissed as Female Hysteria. Although, I wouldn't mind getting a pelvic "massage" from my husband.

Female hysteria
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Female hysteria was a once-common medical diagnosis, made exclusively in women, which is today no longer recognized by modern medical authorities as a medical disorder. Its diagnosis and treatment was routine for many hundreds of years in Western Europe. Hysteria was widely discussed in the medical literature of the Victorian era. Women considered to be suffering from it exhibited a wide array of symptoms including faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and "a tendency to cause trouble".[1]

Since ancient times women considered to be suffering from hysteria would sometimes undergo "pelvic massage" — manual stimulation of the anterior wall of the vagina by the doctor until the patient experienced "hysterical paroxysm".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_hysteria

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