October 2010

I have been fairly honest and open about the challenges I’ve been facing during my current pregnancy, but there is something that I have not shared. I haven’t shared it even though it’s one of the things that has been causing me the most worry.

I haven’t shared it with you because I’m selfish and I wanted and still want your support without controversy. You see I am aware that we may not be of the same political, religious, or non-religious bent and I am okay with that, I celebrate and respect our differences. I never want to be surrounded by only like-minded people. Where is the growth in that? It is important that we embrace each other even in our differences and share or debate in a respectful manner.

Today, I am finally ready for full disclosure. I went to get another ultrasound and again things are progressing positively. It appears that there will always be an issue with the right kidney that may or may not have to be operated on after birth, but the left kidney is working well and my amniotic fluid is on the low end of  the normal range. Low end of normal sounds fantastic after having been on the dangerous side of low. The news today is really pretty much the same as the news 2 weeks ago and yet I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders.

The weight I’ve been carrying, the part of this story that I have been keeping to myself, is that up until today I was presented with the possibility of terminating the pregnancy. I know that for some people this might have been a non-issue, but for me it was not.

The very first ultrasound that I had left me with the possibility that my child would develop without any kidneys and be born just to die shortly afterward. I am strong, but I am not strong enough to go through that. I’m just not. For weeks I prayed, hoped, wished for kidneys so I would not have to make that decision. The kidneys kept being elusive, but now it is certain that at least one is functioning.

Today was a momentous visit because after today the option to terminate is no longer an option.

So there you have it, the whole truth of my story. It’s not that I was trying to keep any of it a secret, it’s just that sometimes some things are so heart-breakingly personal that they are not open for public scrutiny.

I continue to thank you for your support and kindness. I have used your strength when mine was depleted. Your positive thoughts and energy have no doubt contributed to the positive development of this little girl inside of me.

Most of all, I thank you for letting me share my truth.

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