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On Cheating and Being Cheated On

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Uncomfortable silence….

pause…

st…utter…

clearing of throat…

I’m blushing, but you can’t tell from my writing or maybe you can.

I want to write about cheating. It’s on my mind because of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver. After 25 years of marriage they announced that they are separating. Then we find out that as a result of an affair that Schwarzenegger had, he fathered a child. Scandalous!

What do I care about Arnold and Maria? I don’t personally know them, but instinctualy I find myself on Team Maria. Can you imagine? It has got to suck to find this out and have to deal with the emotional turmoil and add to that, the public scrutiny. And they have kids and now those kids have a half-brother that is 10! Scandalous!

I’ve never really been a fan of Schwarzenegger. After the recall election hoopla when Schwarzenegger became Governor of California, I joked that I wanted to get a t-shirt made that said, “California had a recall and all I got was this stupid Governor” with a picture of Arnold on it.

But this post isn’t really about Arnold or Maria. It’s about cheating. Their situation made me think about cheating.

Have you ever been cheated on? I have.

Have you ever cheated on someone? I have.

Being cheated on sucked. It was awful and made me feel terrible, small, inconsequential, ridiculed, angry, lost, distraught, and so on.

I was cheated on before I ever cheated on someone, therefore I knew how awful it would make the person being cheated on feel and yet I did it anyway. Why? Why would I do something like that to someone I supposedly love? You can’t see me, but I am hanging my head in shame.

And if I have been guilty of cheating on someone, why is it so easy for me to judge another cheater? Because I am just as judgmental and critical of myself. My behavior was deplorable and I know it.

Having been on both sides of the cheating fence I can say without a doubt that for me being cheated on felt far worse than being the cheater because I had no say in the matter.

Some people say that affairs and infidelity are no big deal or that in other countries people have extracurricular activities and it is just accepted. Here’s the thing, I have been in relationships where things were not exclusive and that was fine because it was understood that things were not exclusive. But if you marry someone or commit to being with just one person, then infidelity is a big deal because that is not part of the agreement.

If I am being perfectly honest, the people I cheated on were people that I was willing to lose. I have never cheated on someone I wasn’t willing to lose. That’s why being cheated on felt so much worse because I knew the person that was cheating on me was willing to lose me.

Any thoughts?

If you found this post because you are going through some difficult times involving cheating or being cheated on, please make sure to read the comments below. Readers have been kind enough to share their own experiences and insights, you may find them helpful.

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  • http://pumpkindelight.blogspot.com/ Kimberly

    I would have bought that shirt.
    If one is not “made” to be monogamous, then don’t get in a relationship.  The lying and the betrayal I think are worse than the cheating itself.  If you don’t want to be with the person you are with, then get out of the relationship.  Then you can f@&% whoever you want to, without hurting anyone. 

    and when I say “you” I don’t mean you Mami…I mean “you” as in everyone. :)

  • Girl Scrappy

    I have never cheated, but I have been cheated on.  It is like they take your heart and stomp on it.  The pain is ridiculous.  The mental issues and insecurities that take over make life seem impossible.  But you recover and go on with your life…but the scars are still there.  I am currently having to watch a family try to recover from the husband having a year long affair.  It is heartbreaking. 

    • HurtAndConfused

      You just described the feeling to a T!! I have been cheated on many times and I always take them back. I have one question tho…I really love this person and he has cheated one me twice and the first time was right when we first got together and then a year and a half went by and i thought we had moved foward but he did it again about a month after our 2 year aniversary!!! My heart has been ripped and crushed twice I dont know what to do? Do people ever change or is the saying once a cheater always a cheater true?

      • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

        I am so sorry you are hurting. I am by no means an expert and can only speak from personal experience. I think that you have been cheated on by this person two times too many. You know you want better. I’ve never even met you and I know you deserve better.
        Visit me at: http://www.unknownmami.com.

    • steve

      It hurts, i was faithful all those times i was told no, i wanted to cheay but believe in god, plus id have never hurt her, when she cheated everyone was shocked….we divorced an she went all girls gone wild for about five years, weve been divorced since 2006, an almost every day what she did crosses my mind,its unhealthy ive pushd people away im scared to get hurt again, an to find out all the lies she told about me…..basically groundwork before after an during her affair…my heart is broke an i cant get answers as to why,im a great father,provider,an never said no for sex, in fact she claims i wnted her too ofyen was one of the reasons she cheated. I dont get it.

      • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

        You are not responsible for her cheating. Cheating was her choice, not yours. I’m sorry for the pain.

  • Out On the Prairie

    I am not sure what the draw is for infidelity. I think Maria is just as much to blame since she helped cover it up. Here give me your hand(a famous Arnie quote). Now slap yourself back to reality.Maybe she got tired of being number two.

  • Ttownsend

    I could never be with someone who’s cheated on me. I don’t understand it.  

  • Pingback: Surviving Infidelity

  • http://www.whosays8isenough.net/ debi9kids

    as you might know, my husband cheated on me last year and I found out in August and it sucks. Plain & simple.
    It was, by far, the worst thing I have ever gone through and honestly, my husband’s feelings were not that he was willing to lose me. It was more that he was a stupid, slefish, horny guy who found a whore willing to do anything to keep him coming back.
    It sucks. Still sucks.
    8 months later.
    Still sucks.

    We are together. Working on our marriage, but man, days like this, when infidelity is in my face, it all comes flooding back.
    I wish like hell the media would leave Maria alone so that I wouldn’t have to have reminders as well…. :(

    • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

      I truly appreciate you sharing your perspective and experience. I can feel the heartache and emotion coming through your comment. May you heal and move forward. Love to you and your family.

  • Georgina99

    I think what makes Arnold’s behaviour so repulsive is that it was deliberate, planned and he attempted to hide it from his wife and kids for ten years. Off the cuff, drunken, accidental, spur of the moment trysts are more forgivable, I think, than long-term planned acts of marital deception. – G

  • http://www.classicnycstory.com Classic NYer

    I cheated on someone I wasn’t willing to lose. Then I lost him. That sucked. 

  • Jackie Carl (Marion, IN)

    Thanks for stopping by yesterday. I don’t know how long I will blog, but Keetha has been after me for quite some time to give it a try.  So, we’ll see how it goes.
    Have a great day ! 

  • http://mommysnest.blogspot.com MommyLisa

    “I have never cheated on someone I wasn’t willing to lose. That’s why
    being cheated on felt so much worse because I knew the person that was
    cheating on me was willing to lose me.”  <–Except the part of being cheated on…I never was cheated on EXCEPT once that I found out about.  My fiance was cheating on me while I was at work from 5 to midnight and I didn't find out until after I kicked his ass to the curb for other reasons.  Like he was a douchebag alcoholic who didn't pay child support (not MY kids, his kids with his ex) and threw shit at me.  

  • Anonymous

    I know a woman who cheated. She said that it’s damn near harder to own up to that and know the pain that you caused. I haven’t cheated or been cheated on…but I know it would kill me.  

    • http://www.classicnycstory.com Classic NYer

      I agree with that woman. I’ve been cheated on and it was almost no big deal to forgive him. When I cheated… well, I still haven’t forgiven myself.

  • http://adventm5477.blogspot.com/ Lisa @ Advent’s Adventures

     I am definitely on team Maria… 

    I have never been cheated on and I have never cheated. I married a man 20 years ago that still takes my breath away when he touches me. I don’t know this pain but can only imagine the lose of a marriage, a family, trust, betrayal,…sigh all very, very sad. With a broken covenant I hope I would leave if my husband ever cheated on me. What I don’t get is the politicizations that yell the loudest about the sanctity of marriage are the ones that cheat. I guess this must means: These men believe in the sanctity of marriage for their wives and the gay couple down the street. I believe they hope their girl friends aren’t listening to their babbling. Morality is down in this county. Lose morals will always hurt the family…always! It’s time we stand up fight for our families and say no more. Most of all we have to mean it by living our lives morally. We need to stop excepting if everyone else is doing it, it must be okay. 

    Unknown Mama, I think you are very brave. Thank you!  

  • http://afcsoac.blogspot.com/ lisleman

    I found out about a half-sister when I was in late 30′s.  About 10 years later we all got to meet her and her husband.  She was really excited about learning about us.  My other sisters were more interested in our “new” sister than I or my brother.   I do wish the media would back off on most of this stuff.  Ok we heard the news.  Let’s move on, the public doesn’t need pictures of the children etc.

  • Anonymous

     Does anyone every cheat on someone that they are not willing to lose? I don’t know, but I’d say probably not, or else they wouldn’t have cheated in the first place, unless they are so incredibly small minded they have no real understanding of consequences.

    Anyway, I have never been the cheater, but the cheatee, so to speak.

  • http://tracismixedbag.com tracismixedbag

    I totally agree. People cheat on two types of people. 1. People who let them and 2. People they don’t care about losing.

    My husband wanted to discuss this situation with me when I got home from work at 3 am the other night. So I woke up grumpy and paranoid. I hate the topic but it’s real life. I have a hard time believing a woman doesn’t know that something just isn’t right, she had to have known something. She’s not a passive dumb woman, maybe she knew but finally felt like the jig was up.

  • http://philosophyofklo.blogspot.com KLo

    I, too, have found this topic on my mind because of Ah-nold’s transgression.  It occurred to me (and I know this sounds cynical, but I’m pretty sure it’s true) that society today is full of people that have experienced cheating in some way, shape, or form.  Or is it just that it’s ADMITTED more today?  I’m going to be blogging about this at some point (my parents got divorced because my dad got his secretary pregnant, so it’s kind of a tough subject for me, and of course I live in a glass house of my own), but just wanted to thank you for refocusing my thoughts on the subject a bit.  As always, love your blog : )

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/WJTZ25FW6YB4NFF7G72FQGMWPU Lori

    Oh dear…I didn’t even know about this…yes, I live in a cave in Minnesota…lol..okay I don’t really live in a cave but I just as well could cause I don’t watch a whole lot of tv nor do I have the radio on very often and I am home most of the time…anyways, this makes me very sad.

    When I was young and married to my first husband I had people telling me that they had seen my husband and I out driving around town. Now I knew that I had not been driving around town that night..I had been at home but that he had been out. I refused to believe that he was doing anything wrong. I didnt’ want to beleive it. It wasn’t that long before I was approached one night by another girl around my age…she told me that she was pregnant with my husbands child. Even though I believed her I pretended not to. Through 4 years of marriage and 2 children, I pretended to not know…until enough was enough. I will not lie…it hurt like hell. Every part of my being hurt and I just could not forget.

    I think you hit it on the nail…people don’t cheat unless they are willing to lose what they have. I would not want to cheat on my husband because I don’t want to risk losing him. I have everything to lose if I would do something so foolish.  Apparently, my exhusband was willing to lose me when he chose to cheat on me. And thankfully I was able to eventually forgive him and move on in my life.

    • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

      I appreciate your candor. I’m sorry you ever had to go through that kind of pain.

  • http://laurieinhonduras.blogspot.com Laurie Matherne

     I am thinking of a greater infidelity. The IMF chief, who allegedly forced a maid to perform oral sex and then, sodomized her. The violence and cheapening of women is reaching epidemic proportions. People make fun of old fashioned Christian values, but at the height of the churches popularity in Europe, it can be argued that women’s rights were born and elevated higher than every before. And now? Women are the liars, the seducers, the ones who deserve to be cheated on. I am shocked by Ben Stein’s remarks that the maid was at fault. I am shocked by French press who named her, and made her life a dangerous one indeed. Cheating is an easy world. Infidelity is a better term. I can understand those who forgive and move forward to repair marriages. But the California governor abused his power, covered it up, and went on to become a powerful poltical figure, even though he knew his infidelity could and would cost him everything dear to him. That’s the power of seduction. It starts out simple and pleasurable, but it usually ends in awful destruction for most involved. 

    • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

      I haven’t read or heard Ben Stein’s comments. I guess it is easy to vilify the other woman and put all the responsibility on her, but she was certainly not alone. I do not envy anyone involved in this particular situation.

  • Anonymous

     Being cheated or cheating once your in a marriage or committed relationship especially once children are a part of that mix is so wrong in my book. If it’s so bad get out. I cheated once in HS I blame it on the alcohol but really no excuse to this day I regret that night. I was cheated on once in college but in his defense he was clueless that we were exclusive but it still hurt. I think Arnold is a pig! 

  • http://ladyfi.wordpress.com Lady Fi

    I agree with you all the way… And that last bit is what hurts the most… the person cheating on you is willing to lose you. 

  • http://www.wrestlingwithretirement.com Eva Gallant

    My first husband cheated on me twice.   The first time, it was while he was at a business conference for three weeks.  she lived in Vancouver, Canada and we lived in Maine.  The conference was in Minnesota.  I was willing to forgive and forget because we had married very young, he said he was not in love with her and didn’t have any intention of seeing her again.  We had two children, 4 and 6.  It didn’t seem worth dumping a twelve year marriage over it.
    A year later, he cheated again with a co-worker….that was the last straw.  We divorced. It was devastating at the time. Four years later I met Mr. Eva and we’ve been married nearly 28 years.   I now realize what it’s like to be totally loved by a man whom I love and know has the same attitude toward commitment that I do.
    Ironically, about a year before hubby #1 cheated, one of my adult education class students came on to me.  He was gorgeous and when he kissed me, my toes curled.  But I told him that I would never cheat on my husband.  (Even though our marriage wasn’t perfect, even then.)  I am a strong believer in fidelity.

  • Alexis AKAMOM

     I’ve been cheated on twice by the person I took a oath to be the rest of my life with.  Having a family and children didn’t stop him from doing it.  Sadly his own inner voice to fulfill a void he thought he was missing.  It’s been a long hard struggle and I’m still trying to figure out what I need to do.

  • http://greeneryinmommyhood.com/ Catalina

    It’s hard for me to judge someone who allows themselves to be cheated on. We don’t fully understand the circumstances & even if we had the facts, we still wouldn’t fully understand. With that said, when I first learned about this scandal I refused to believe that someone so strong would close their eyes to their spouse’s activities. Then the truth came pouring out. I’m not judging. I’m not going there. Nope…No.

    My heart goes out to Maria and anyone else who finds themselves in that situation. Cheaters remind me of a documentary I saw not too long ago of religions that allow men to have multiple wives. Um, that’s allowable cheating. Having multiple partners simultaneously is the equivalent of cheating. It says, I don’t care how it makes you feel when I’m spending time with my alternate spouse/significant other. Cheating is egotistical.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve cheated on and cheated. I sometimes feel stupid being judgmental of people who cheat. But you are right I am the most judgmental of myself. 

  • Anonymous

    I think it’s a load of crap that in some cultures cheating is more acceptable. Maybe more acceptable from the cheaters standpoint. Which is usually men and usually fine with everyone because the law in those countries oftentimes deprive women of basic rights and power. But as far as cheating goes, I’ve done it myself too, and it made me feel horrible. I think you are right that people only cheat in relationships they are on some level willing to lose. I feel really lucky that my marriage is not one of those relationships. Extremely very lucky indeed. 

  • http://www.puttingthefunindysfunctional.com Cyndy DysFUNctional Mom

     I have been cheated on, by my ex-husband.  That is what ended our marriage, or at least the straw that broke the camel’s back.  It was a tough time.
    I have never cheated on anyone, however, I did have a relationship with someone who was cheating on his partner.  He is still with that partner, and still cheating, years later.
    Cheating is such a painful thing.  I wish people could be more honest with each other. 
    It must be even harder to deal with since Arnold had a child with this woman (that, and being in the public eye, how utterly humiliating and horrible).  

  • http://www.halfpastkissintime.com Mrs4444

    I like how you tied to to that simple point–Being willing to lose that person. I don’t think I’ve been cheated on, though in high school, my boyfriend sometimes broke up with me so he could date his sister’s friends. And I also cheated (sort of, once), but I would never think of doing anything like that within my marriage.

    Love the t-shirt idea-very creative! What a nob he is…

  • Myya

    I’ve never cheated, but I’ve been around so many people who have gotten cheated on.  Oh how it creates such an aweful aftermath!  The whole Arnold thing schocked the shit out of me, I mean the cheating not so much but the freakin 10 YEAR OLD kid… WOW!!! 

  • Anonymous

    I am on Maria’s side assuming she hasn’t cheated.  Yes I was cheated on and it hurt more then anything. My husband had an affair after 10 years of marriage. We were divorced and separted for six years however we have been back together for almost 22 years. 

  • http://www.ttelroc.blogspot.com Kristin_The_Goat

    Unfortunately I’d have to put a big cheater on my forehead.  I cheated on every boyfriend I ever had.  I always justified it by saying that I wanted to break up with the boy anyway, but what an awful way to decide to break it off.  I can’t remember if any of them knew I cheated, but I sure did.  It’s not fun having something like that hanging over your head while still in a relationship.

    My husband of 9 years and 11 months has been in a cheat free relationship.  It sure is a comfort each night when I go to bed that I don’t have any secrets with the man sharing the bed.

  • Sami

    I cannot imagine how Maria must feel.  I know and understand that Arnold made a mistake, but i would not blame her at all for not being able to live with this.

  • liza

    I’m a little late to this discussion, but I can feel your pain.  I never cheated on anyone until dealing with a husband who I caught in so many lies.  Phone numbers, lying about where he went, passwords on his cell phone, passwords on the cell phone account so I can’t speak to the company or retrieve any records, online profiles, etc, etc, etc.  This went on for YEARS.  I cried.  I begged.  I suffered in silence.  I tried to leave, but he’d beg me to stay.  And finally, I cheated on him.  And I didn’t even try to hide it.  I feel horrible, I hate myself.  I was the ‘good’ wife all those years, now I am just like him.  What can I say?  I never loved or really cared about anyone else.  It was just to ease the pain, I guess.  And I don’t love him either, anymore.  I just hate myself stooping to his level.

    • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

      You know what? You are human and you made a mistake. You suffered in silence and then you acted out. No it wasn’t the honorable thing to do, but you know that and you regret it. I don’t like to think of you hating yourself because that does no one any good. Even from this terrible situation, you can learn and grow and you have and you will continue to do so.

  • Thebushongs04

    I’ve never cheated but I have been cheated on and it hurts SO bad! My husband of five years had a year long affair with an older married woman. We already had a three year old son and during their affair we were trying to conceive a baby and I did end up pregnant. Unfortunatly I was a vert trusting wife that worked a full time job and took on all of the responsibilities of our son and never caught onto his cheating until it was too late. After questioning a few of his “stories”, I took it upon myself to check his phone bill (we had company phones so I don’t typically look over the bill each month). Well, there was my proof. The same number called numerous times of the day and all of the times he was “at the gym”, he was calling her for 1 min and likely meeting her.

    Long story short, when I asked him if he was cheating he lied at first but when I took his phone to call the number, he came clean. He told me he no longer loved me and was in love with her. He walked out on me that night and never gave me anymore info as to what went wrong. We had what I thought was a good marriage and up to this day I still have the emails where he said he loved me just days prior to him leaving. It’s baffling an the pain can’t be described! I ended ip having the baby alone and he sued me for joint custody when she was only two weeks old. Guess what, he won. He cheated on me and in the end walked away a winner. I care for our hildren 90% of the time and thank god I have them. Otherwise I dot know if I would’ve survived the pain. As for my now ex-husband, as far as I am aware he is no longer with his mistress and currently lives with his divorced father in his basement. In the end I feel like he made all of the decisions that changed my life forever. I am doing so much better, but the family I always pictured will never be in my life again. I now only get to spend every other weekend with my children and miss out on that time. I never wanted a divorce and was always faithful and my children and I are now paying the price for his selfish decisions. The pain infidelity causes cant be described until you lie it yourself. To anyone cheating or considering it, please think of your partner and the pain they will feel…is it really worth it?

    • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

      Wow, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you had to go through something so devastating. I can’t even imagine what it was like to be pregnant and have to deal with so much upheaval and heartbreak.

  • Naterapan

    Let me just say cheating is wrong and does so many things to a person.  I am a 28 year old gay male.  I met my ex partner when I was 23 he was 19.  We were together for 5 years.  In the first 2 years of our relationship he would constantly would contact his ex thru emails who wanted nothing to do with him either cause guess what?  He cheated on him also.  He would flirt with people online tell them how sexy they were.  he was younger so I let him know it hurt but moved on from it because he was young.  Then 2 and a half years later dealt with him never having sex period, abusing me physically, and stupid me sticks along cause at this point I am in deep and have been broken down to think I am the one who is wrong.  Was broken down to think I deserved no one else and was ugly.  Then after 3 years a day after Thanksgiving our roomate(female) had a gay friend over and guess what the next day he breaks up with me.  I am heart broken then all of a sudden he moves out and moves in with this guy he had only know for a week and hung out with only a few times.  2  weeks later he emails me saying he wants me back.  You’d think I said no right?  I did.  We had a long talk and told him everything he put me thru I just couldn’t trust him.  Well after 3 or 4 months of proving and trying and making me feel good about myself I tested it out.  For 2 years we have been doing awesome.  Now he is going to beauty school.  Guess what?  He screwed me again.  I stopped by his school cause I was in the area to drop him off a soda.  The girl at the front desk told me he left early with some guy.  Needless to say I could his mom told him you figure out where to take him cause he isn’t welcomed back here.  I thought I would be heartbroken this time but I guess I needed him to hurt me this many times so I could let go.

    Yes most people would say it’s my own fault and I agree.  I should been gone the moment he tried to say he didn’t cheat on his last ex when he did.  But I believed the bs.  What I will say is relationship helped me feel pain, helped me to know the signs, helped me to figure out what I truly want and don’t want.  If you don’t go through it you never know.  

    • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

      I’m so sorry you went through such a difficult relationship.

      The first boyfriend I ever had cheated on me incessantly. In the three years we were together I don’t think he was ever faithful to me for over a month. Time and time again I would find out that he had cheated and time and time again I would forgive him. It’s not even that I would forgive him, I just couldn’t leave him. I wasn’t ready to.
      Finally, when I was ready to leave him it was more because I could no longer stand myself around him. I had become pathetic, angry, bitter, and so unhappy.
      I left him and I was a mess. His legacy of cheating turned me into a jittery mistrustful person. The next time I was in a relationship, I cheated. I do not blame anyone else for my behavior, but a big part of it was that I was so afraid of going through the same pain again that I just wanted to be the one responsible for the demise. I was super young. 21. The person I was with was older…30. We broke up. I was actually the one that broke up with him because really after cheating on him the relationship was a sham. I never told him that I cheated on him, I didn’t see the point in hurting him like that and quite frankly it was cowardice…but I’m sure he knew. It is still one of my biggest regrets in life that I would hurt someone that did not deserve it in such an awful way. My excuse was that I had been cheated on, but really that’s exactly why I should have known better.
      My first boyfriend did not intend to damage me by cheating on me, he was just damaged. It’s like the saying, “hurt people hurt people.”
      You were not stupid for not leaving your boyfriend when you knew he cheated on you, you just weren’t ready to leave.
      This is a rambling response because your comment touched me.

      I am now married. I love my husband and respect him. We’ve both had less than perfect romantic pasts, but when we got together we were ready to move on, to grow. I can’t imagine the pain I would feel if he cheated on me, I don’t want to imagine it so I don’t spend time thinking about it. I know that I am not willing to jeopardize what we have and I trust that he feels the same way.
      Cheating is ugly. It jeopardizes your health: mental, physical, and emotional.
      Thank you for sharing your story.

      Visit me at: http://www.unknownmami.com.

  • http://twitter.com/stews3 Amy Carlson

    I appreciate your honesty – thank you for sharing.  Your ending statement is powerul and quote-worthy… I will be sharing it.

  • Aliverono

    Thank you sooo much for this. Your final thought strikes a cord with me as well. And I realize rings very true for me. I’m a 27 year old queer woman, and my ex-partner and I were together for almost 5 years. In the end of our relationship, as things were strained the most and were both feeling unhappy and struggling, as I was trying to figure out how to make things work, she cheated on me instead of dealing with the difficult conversations we needed to have to either save, or decide to [respectfully] end our relationship.

    I’ve never ever ever felt so much devastation, like I was dying, day in day out and had such an awful pit in my stomach constantly. She continued (and is still) dating that girl, who was also a friend of mine. I have felt sooo pushed away and left out and kept crying over and over again, “why don’t you care that you’re losing me??” even as a “friend” I felt like she had just pulled the cord and thrown away EVERYTHING we had built… there is no way to have a friendship now.

    A little over a year later, and we’ve still had back and forth emotional struggles, she doesn’t tell the new girl about things that go on between us physically/sexually or even with her and other people, and it all drives me crazy. I know I just need to step away from the situation all together. Sometimes I still get so infuriated, I want to just pop the little delusional bubble above the head of the new girl who stands by like an idiot while my ex gets her immaturity together. (pardon me… that sentence was loaded with a ton of judgement)… but my ex will still contact me about hanging out as “friends” and still wants me in her life, and the worst part is that she claims she DOESN’T want to lose me, and the ideal situation would’ve been to break up on much much better terms so I didn’t lose her either… but I’m afraid it’s too late for that. Yet I miss her a ton, and obviously still love her, but the pain is just still so prominent and deep.

    I spend much of my days trying not to text her and focus on NOT thinking about them. I still avoid social scenarios where I may bump into them. And today, while googling for articles that may help me, I realized that I’m just giving them all of my power. My power and control was taken from me when she decided to break my trust, and then lie over and over again, while continuing to sleep with me, and even recently when we’ve had “loving” exchanges and she’s turned around and said, “let’s just keep this between us, ok?”…. Seriously?? That was a final straw for me… I am better that all of this, and their new relationship will implode with time. But for now, I like to imagine that they’re happy as can be, and I can just go on and live my life without having to think about all of the drama. I can be happy for someone who’s happy. I want to take my power back in a positive way.

    • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

      First of all, thank you for sharing so much of your heart and self.

      It is obvious from reading what you wrote that the pain runs deep, but it is also obvious that you know what you have to do. It is not your ex’s job to take care of you, it’s yours. We all make mistakes, but she keeps making mistakes at your expense. You have to take care of yourself and stop letting that pain continue. You can’t completely heal if you keep reopening the wound. And yes, you are right: YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER.

      • Aliverono

        Thank you for your time and love! :)

  • Pingback: Cheating

  • http://www.thebipolardiva.com The Bipolar Diva

    I’ve been in both arenas. Being cheated on hurt but not as much as being the cheater. I still struggle with it, it’s with me all the time. I know, as my doctor says, it goes hand in hand with my disorder, especially because I was undiagnosed and unmedicated at the time. But still that doesn’t lessen the pain or the guilt. It will stay there as a reminder, forever.

    • Googlyeyes

      Did you apologize to the legitimate partner who was your victim (and your affair partners victim) or do you hide behind your bipolar? It isn’t an excuse. And guilt is right to have but honestly wouldn’t she feel better if she knew you felt bad? Don’t you kind of OWE her that after what you did and helped do to her life?

  • http://www.waystationone.com/ brian miller

    wow…what a humbling read…it sucks…it is a hard place to be…was hit with this very early in life and it shaped my world for several years and ruined my trust with anyone for a long time…some really cool stuff int he comments…pretty amazing everyone willing to share their experiences…you know when you been there you def dont wish it on anyone…

  • michelle colon

    i dont think you ever get over it, the other party always says i wish you would just get over it like it’s that easy, i am going through it right now, the hardest part is that I cannot be selfish, but I am a mother they will most def lose their father, its a daily struggle.

    • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

      I’m sorry you are going through something so difficult. I don’t think it is an easy thing to get over at all. I think it’s pretty huge. Having kids must make it exponentially worse.

  • Eva Gallant

    I have never cheated while married.  Back in college, when I wasn’t in a truly committed realtionship, I dated 2 guys at the same time who weren’t aware of it.  But once married, that’s it.  I was married for 11 years when my husband cheated.  I decided to try to forgive and move on, but he cheated again a year later.   We divorced.  After 4 years being single, I remarried and now have been married for 29 years next month.  My ex apparently is a serial cheater, as he has now been married and divorced a total of 3 times, and still cheating!

    • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

      My very first boyfriend cheated constantly and it has always been an issue in his life.

  • relaxedsongwriter

    I have a question for you all. I have never cheated on anyone and I don’t think I have been cheated on but for some reason my best friend and guy friend thinks that my boyfriend of 4 months is cheating on me. It is because his crazy ex sent me a message on Facebook saying that he was her boyfriend and she wanted me to know. She said it in a very so there kind of way. It was very weird that she kept saying that she was dating and sleeping with him. I confronted him about it that night and he said that she is part of his “fan club” which include crazy exs that are still obsessed with him. Currently he says he hasn’t really heard from that girl since he said that he had her over at his house and he told her off saying that they would never be together ever again. He said that she would only leave when he said that he had a headache and was going to take a nap. My guy friend thinks that since my boyfriend and I haven’t been completely intimidate (because I want to wait to marriage to have sex.) That he has been looking for sex other places. Do you think it’s possible that what we have is good enough for him. He is my first real relationship.

    • http://www.unknownmami.com/ unknownmami

      Of course it is possible that what you have is good enough for him; it should be good enough.
      I find it strange that he “fan club” of crazy exs that are still obsessed with him. That is not normal. Most men don’t have it like that.
      Trust your gut on this.

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