panic attacks

It’s a Challenge

by UnknownMami on January 18, 2011

I have panic disorder, which means I sometimes get panic attacks. Panic attacks simply suck. They do not help me function in life or increase the quality of my life.

I was in my 20′s when I had my first panic attack, but I had no idea that’s what was going on. I was at work and I thought I was having a heart attack. I said this to a coworker that I happened to be dating at the time and after work he took me to the emergency room. It turns out I was not having a heart attack, but no other explanation was offered, so I left just being relieved that my heart was okay.

Most of the time I have been and am fine. I don’t seem to get panic attacks during stressful situations when I need to stay calm. They happen for no good reason, usually when I am sleeping. I will go from a very peaceful slumber to being jolted out of bed by panic. Sometimes I can calm myself down, other times I need the help of medication. Sometimes, just knowing that I can take the medication if I need it calms me down.

My first pregnancy was full of panic attacks. Something about the hormones in my body just kept triggering them. I thought I was losing my mind and that I would never be okay again. Turns out this happens to quite a few women. I was lucky to get help.

For the longest I’ve been okay. Sure I have anxiety issues, but I haven’t had a full-blown panic attack until the other night. I’ve been having so many health issues and this is a trigger for me. I woke up in the middle of the night freaking out and ready to run sprints up and down my hallway.

The thing that really sucks about panic attacks is that just thinking about them can trigger them. The longer I go without having them, the better I do. Since I just recently had one, I find myself terrified of having another one, which makes my chest tighten and so on and so forth. The last few days I have been tip toeing around myself.

I know I will get through this. I have tools, skills, strategies, medicine, and support. Still it sucks. It sucks for me and it sucks for my husband. It is hard for someone that does not have these issues to be understanding of someone that does. He is great and helps me every time, but I can see how draining it is for him and how little sense it makes. Things that he can just shake off, I can not. I can not soothe myself in the same way that he does. I can not reason it away.

I know he loves me just the way that I am, but sometimes I wish I didn’t come with so many issues. I am not feeling sorry for myself or my husband, I am just acknowledging that we face a challenge. I am acknowledging that I am not the only one affected by my disorder.

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Fragmented Fridays

by UnknownMami on August 12, 2010

Now that I’ve outed my pregnancy, you will most likely be subjected to endless updates. If there was a pregnancy font, I would use it so that you could skip over those parts if you are not interested, but there isn’t so humor a pregnant lady.

I went to see my gynecologist for the first time this pregnancy. My first prenatal visit was with an RN. I love my doctor and she was so excited and welcoming. I have insurance through Kaiser and I know that many people have complaints about them, but they really took care of me during my first, very difficult pregnancy and I am grateful (This is not a plug for Kaiser, this is just my opinion).

I suffered from severe panic attacks during my first pregnancy and with the help of my doctor, counselor, and psychiatrist I made it through. I was put on medication during pregnancy. Can you imagine what a difficult decision that was, especially for someone that suffers from panic disorder? It was probably the most difficult decision I have ever made in my life. The guilt was excruciating and there were many that made me feel judged for opting to take medication.

I am still on medication. Today I checked in with my pregnancy counselor and discussed my feelings about being medicated. Why am I telling you this? Because I still feel shame associated with being on medication especially while pregnant, but I need to let go of that shame. My counselor suggested that I should be proud of myself for seeking help and taking care of my mental health. Brain chemistry is a complicated thing. I feel blessed that I live in an era where I was able to find the help and understanding that I needed. I really thought I was losing my mind. What I found out is that this happens to many pregnant women (the hormones can really get to you). So I hope no one suffers in silence. I hope no one is stigmatized. If you need help, get it. The help is out there.

Unknown Papi, the inventor is at it again. Awhile back he invented the word, “vaginormous”. Today he coined, “fudiculous”. It’s more like he is an ordained minister for words. He likes to bring two separate words and unite them into one. Hence vagina + enormous = vaginormous and f@cking + ridiculous = fudiculous.

Speaking of Unknown Papi, he really made my day. We’ve been rather broke, like flat broke. Today, he asked me what I wanted to do and I said, “whatever”. He told me he had a little money and he wanted to take me shopping for some maternity clothes. It was so fudiculously sweet! I felt so loved and spoiled.

And that’s all she wrote!

Have a great weekend!
Mommy's Idea
Hosted by Mrs. 4444

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Female Hysteria

by UnknownMami on May 1, 2009

It’s been difficult to post the last few days because I’ve been falling apart. Normally, I’m a pretty healthy person, but the last two weeks I just feel sick.
It started with some kind of infection in my middle finger. My co-worker suggested perhaps I had overused the finger to flip people off, but I think the problem is I haven’t used the finger enough. I ended up having to have it lanced. This week I’m having issues with my left eye.
I think my body is rebelling because it’s trying to force me to take some time for myself. I keep telling my husband I need a break and he just doesn’t get it.
When I was pregnant I had to take Zoloft because of severe panic attacks. I had panic attacks long before pregnancy and never considered taking medicine because I had “nobler” ways of dealing. During pregnancy, I did not have the luxury of being so judgemental. I needed help and I was unbelievably grateful when I found relief.
A few weeks back, I decided that perhaps it was time to stop taking the medication. It seemed that the risk of postpartum depression had passed and I really wanted not to be medicated. Well, I think I jumped the gun. I did fine for a week or so then all these physical ailments began manifesting. I’ve since started back on the Zoloft.
The truth is that the medicine does not make me feel medicated; it makes me feel like “me” and right now when I’m not on it, I feel out of sorts. Someday I will be able to do without, but for now I am so blessed to live in an era where my concerns are taken seriously and not just dismissed as Female Hysteria. Although, I wouldn’t mind getting a pelvic “massage” from my husband.
Female hysteria
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Female hysteria was a once-common medical diagnosis, made exclusively in women, which is today no longer recognized by modern medical authorities as a medical disorder. Its diagnosis and treatment was routine for many hundreds of years in Western Europe. Hysteria was widely discussed in the medical literature of the Victorian era. Women considered to be suffering from it exhibited a wide array of symptoms including faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and “a tendency to cause trouble”.[1]

Since ancient times women considered to be suffering from hysteria would sometimes undergo “pelvic massage” — manual stimulation of the anterior wall of the vagina by the doctor until the patient experienced “hysterical paroxysm”.

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